द्वंद्व

लहरों पे चलने की कोशिश करती एक कश्ती
और दो किनारों का अंतर्द्वंद्व l
हर पल हरदम हिम्मत जुटाता अकेला माझी
कश्ती पार लगाने को
और अभिमान में जलते दो किनारों का अंतर्द्वंद्व l
कभी कश्ती को डुबाता एक किनारा तो
कभी सहारा देता दूसरे का हाथ l
एक पल ठोकरें खाता माझी तो
दूसरे पल हवा के साथ बातें करता उसका होंसला l
कभी लहरों के ऊफान की विजय तो
कभी शांत पानी में डूबते सूरज का सौन्दर्य l
उसी तरह
मन में हर पल हरदम चलता एक संघर्ष
और मुश्किल से साँस लेती
उभरती हुई कविता की कश्मकश l
कभी कुछ शब्दों की तलाश तो
कभी लुप्त होता कविता का सार l
चाहता हूँ समेटना अगर स्वछन्द बचपन तो
दिखाई देता है हर पल अस्त होता जीवन भी l
एक ओर बुझता हुआ आस्था का दीपक तो
दूसरी ओर रोशन होती क्रांति की मशाल l
कभी झुंड में खो जाने का डर तो
कभी चोटी पर दिखाई देता अकेला खड़ा मेरा प्रतिबिम्ब l
इस कौतुहल में बनती हुई कविता ढूंढ रही है
अपना लक्ष्य
पर कविता अभी भी फंसी हुई है ...

web of memories

I close my eyes. I saw her standing near the gate waiting for me with utmost desperation. Her eyes are full of hope. Her lips are silently moving in prayer for my well being. I try hard to wake up since it cannot be a reality anymore. The more I try the more it’s difficult. Suddenly I see myself in the scene. I am dressed as a school boy. Lost in my world of fantasies being totally innocent about her affection. She embraces me in her arms. Her face lightens up and lips utter words of adoration. The rest is nothing but a sweet lullaby. Everything seems to be like a lost world. I wake up from my sleep and get occupied within no time. No time to think no time to cherish the dream. A mad race in a mad struggle. It’s hard to imagine how it happened so fast. I cannot even think about the precise moment when the innocence gave way to materialism and vanished from my life like it was never there to begin with. I have no idea when I took a turn and got on a different road. Not even the slightest hint at all. But the realty is, it happened. I remember, as a child, I used to stare at the clock for hours together just to catch the moment when minute hand of the clock changed its direction. But I could never seize that moment. The world changes in a blink. Thousands of moments get lost in a blink and you keep staring at the dichotomy of time.

I close my eyes again. I see my friends. I see my brothers and sisters. I smile how they used to be so stupid and illogical as a child. Those little pranks lie buried in the garden somewhere. I remember when I departed from my friends after 10th class. We promised to write letters to each other every week. It seemed to be so easy at that time. I still remember the promise but have no time to make it true. Moreover who the hell write letters in 2008? Everybody has a crush in his school life on a teacher. I too had. I used to like my biology teacher a lot. These little and innocent memories lie hidden in some part of my head. Sometimes they seem to be like a web. Already its impossible to live and they make the life even more difficult.

But I do want to live the life of my memories once again. I want to stare at the clock with the same innocence once again to catch hold of the moment lost in the blink. I want to dig those pranks from the garden in the backyard. I want to say goodbye to my friends once again with a promise to write letters every week. I want to wear my school uniform and get received with same hope and affection. I want to yell I want to cry as a child. I want my innocence back. But I know I can’t go back. I also know that it’s not possible because the woman in the dream is no more…

'IDIOTS'

Sometimes honesty gives you big surprises. I saw a wonderful movie today. An honest movie by an honest team of filmmakers and actors called ‘idiots’. The movie, I would say, is not only an eye opener but an insight into the inside of the people which is full of filth and hypocrisy. This is the first film made under the label of Dogma, a Scandinavian film group inspired by the Danish director ‘Lars von Trier’, which insists that their new manifesto on how to make films, be adhered to by those who make films under their label.

This dogma consists of improvised acting and hand-held camera work, among other dogmas the film must adhere to. There are several rules which have to be followed for making ‘dogma’ film. The film is made by a hand held camera using natural light and sound effects. The use of artificial light and sound amplifications is strictly prohibited throughout the film. All this gives the film a realistic look. In short these films promise to stay away from all the clichés of commercial Hollywood cinema. And in a way the films made under this category are anti-film films.

‘Idiots’ has a bunch of middle-class cult groupies living together in a rich private house that one of their relatives gave them, as the group members seem to be either in their late teens or their 20s, whose repulsive purpose is to freak out in public and display a show of insanity and sometimes do it when together in the privacy of their house. The purpose is to bring out the inner idiot out of them. To spasse, is a Danish term, which refers to those who act like idiots even though they are not. These episodes of spassing give this film an odd look that is guaranteed to turn off a lot people and anger many, especially those who expect more conventional ways of looking at the problems young people face in society.

This blog should not be considered a film review or something like that because I am definitely in not that mood. Rather the article is a confession and declaration that I am nothing but a fucking hypocritic poser and a pseudo intellectual kind of a personality. The movie distinguishes between two kinds of people; those who pose to be different or insane or idiots but can’t do so in real crisis and life time situations and those who really are insane or different but don’t pose for the sake of proving it. And I am certainly the former one. Since I have realized what sort of a person I am, I want to apologize to all those who have been generous enough in reading my articles and give me a moral boost through their honest comments, for being fake in trying to establish my insanity when in reality I don’t have the courage to bring it out as and when the need arises. I have written a lot about insanity and at one point of time I started believing myself to be the master of this concept. But after watching the movie I feel that I am merely a beginner to this concept. There are several aspects which have to be dealt with thoroughly and viewed from a different perspective. To feel like insane and being one are two different issues which need to be considered. And the latter is more difficult. Insanity, in my view, is a weapon which has the potential to change the things and revolutionize the fucking strangulating systems; be it our fucking strangulating family systems or the ever existing demeaning political systems. To write about insanity and hope for a change would not necessarily solve the issue. It needs a hell lot of courage to be insane and fuck the society or the systems at the point where it hurts a lot. Insanity needs to be brought in everyday practice of being a human being and being among those who want to bring about a change. Only then we can hope for a generation which is not only free in its thought process but also in converting it’s thought into a viable expression.

transitory existence

It’s hard to give meaning to the thoughts which come for a moment and leave an everlasting impression.
It’s hard to pen down the images which flash for a second but remain etched in the memory forever.
It’s hard to find words when everything seems so blank.
And it’s really not easy to do justice with the words when their meaning won’t ever find a refuge.
I know that everything is transitory.
Realizing this makes it even more difficult.
It seems worthless to try when I see my transitory existence surrounded by the vultures all around.
They won’t leave me no matter how hard I try.
They won’t ever let the things change for once and for all.
But how can I be deceitful to the immortal soul?
How can I pretend knowing that I am a human being?
My thoughts define my existence.
My words stare at me for expression.
They don’t really know about my being helpless and all alone.
I try hard to hide.
But it’s really getting too complicated.
The pigs are growing day by day.
And the dogs have all always been too faithful to their masters.
And then there is always a flock of sheep to suffer and whimper.
There is no place for me in this farm.
I am merely a spectator at my own funeral.

Hypocrisy – an epidemic / insanity - a crime

During the most intimate moments of my day in the quietest of surroundings, at the height of explosion I masturbated in my room. This time I raped the girl living in the house next to me and had the most satisfying orgasm of my life. She was distracting my thought since morning and making me feel restless. I was postponing the act for a long time but then it became simply impossible to manage and at last I had to do it. I don’t feel guilty because it was inevitable and necessary for the satisfaction of my hidden yet ever existing and omnipotent desire. I don’t think it would be difficult to face her the next time. On the contrary it would be much easier considering the psychological turmoil I used to come across on meeting her before. I may be guilty and criminal from inside but according to the society I am innocent. Somebody may call me a hypocrite but its better than to be labeled as a rapist. I would continue living my life in a similar way as I have been living before. Same old work same old food same old frustration but a new girl every day on my bed during the most intimate moments of the day. This is how I have existed till now. This is how I will continue for the rest of my life. And I am sure this is how millions of other boys or girls of my age exist in the world today and have existed before.

He was a friend of mine. We used to have a very good time. Then he betrayed me for no reason and made my life a living hell. I don’t want to see his face again. I wish a miserable life for him everyday in my prayers. I have killed him a thousand times in my dreams. But he is still there to remind me of those days and the worse he has done to my life. It’s illegal to kill and it’s too humiliating to be labeled as a murderer. I am a very respectable person of my society. Everybody pay respect to my position and my personality. I can’t take law in my hands. Only thing I can continue to do is to continue killing him in my dreams for the rest of my life and try to make life as miserable as I can for my friend. This way I can continue living my life as before and still be respected and admired without wearing the badge of a criminal.

It’s too easy to be a hypocrite and still be sane and loved by the society. But it’s too difficult to break the law and be called as an insane or a criminal. A very thin line exists between hypocrisy and insanity. If we visualize closely it would not be difficult to find rapists or murderers in our own family or friend circle. But still we love them because they haven’t done crime according to the prescribed definitions of law and society. In other words hypocrisy is a widely accepted phenomenon. We may look at hypocrisy in a negative way but in reality we all are hypocrites to a certain extent. We all live in this veil of hypocrisy. Those who come out of it are called insane; those who continue are called civilized citizens of the society. It will not be wrong to say that hypocrisy is an epidemic. But nobody is really interested in curing it. On the other hand society has defined punishments for those who cross the line. Emotions distinguish man from animals but also have made him the most hypocrite being existing in the world. In other words animals are not hypocrites. Sometimes it’s difficult to decide what is right and what exactly is not. If rape is a crime then is it right to rape a girl in thoughts and masturbate? Sex is a taboo in the Indian context. The young boys and girls are literally starved for sex for a very long time. It will not be wrong to say that millions of girls are living a life of mental prostitution in India and outside. Then why does society consider prostitution a crime when prostitution is so rampant in the minds of the youth in reality? Is there a space for this kind of promiscuity if the society is so moral and religious? Society has made everything to its advantage. It has defined everything so intelligently so that the ones who question it would always be proved out rightly wrong and be readily eliminated from the system without even their traces left behind.

Do we need to revise our definitions and prescribe new ones which would be as controversial and at the same time as wrong as the existing ones? Is it necessary to distinguish right and wrong when one can be proved the other in some other or the same context or the difference in reality is actually very superficial? Isn’t it right to say that we being the most intelligent beings are also the ones who are spiritually the poorest and the weakest?

It’s not possible to be insane and at the same time hope for a stable system everywhere. In other words some amount of hypocrisy is required for survival. But it’s also necessary to define our zone of insanity and work on it extensively to fill the loopholes in the systems around us. All we can do is to be a less hypocrite and try to view the things from a different perspective.

मेरी आज़ादी का अनुभव

मैं पिंजरे की बंद चिडिया हूँ
आजाद होना चाहती हूँ
उड़ना चाहती हूँ
एक दिन पिंजरे का मालिक पिंजरा
खोल देता है
अब आजाद हूँ
उड़ना सीख रही हूँ
पंख फैला रही हूँ
पर अब बहुत हुआ
मैंने अपने पंख काट दिए
वापस पिंजरे में बंद हूँ
सपने बहुत जी चुकी
आज़ादी बहुत जी चुकी
अब आराम करना चाहती हूँ
अब भी खुश हूँ
क्या बुरा है पिंजरे की ज़िंदगी में?

the silence speaks...

There’s silence that exits
Within the walls,
Tormented and petrified
Howling secretly in the dark
Caverns of laughter,
It burns in the fire
So profound,
Yet it survives the nights
Of frustration
Sighing gently for its freedom
Every second,
It feeds on the crumbs
Of everlasting desires,
It dreams for the day
That seems far away from
Its boundary,
It longs for the sun
That shines for its enemy.
Hiding the tears
Of disaster
Waiting for the rains
To surrender,
It craves for the high
That exists beyond the
Rigmaroles of reason,
Parched lips cry for water
Words roll from the door
Too often
Hopes get crumpled in the search
For a corner
Echoes wander
Far and wide
Waves reach the lines
So dry
A story waiting to be told
A secret about to unfold
An innocent confession
Of seasons
Whimper in the winds
To shatter
The day seems to be closer
A puff of change will
Make a difference
A splash of colors and
The roar of a thunder
It’s a transformation
That happened never before
The truth is here
It’s not a secret anymore
Because
There’s no more silence
There’re no more walls…

DISTANT LANDS

distant lands

walking through the desert
crying over the sand
i saw the similar faces
laughing on the distant land.
tattered and shattered
i manage to see the shore
through the holes in my wounded hands.
they're calling me every minute
shining the broken pieces
of my colors of dreams,
they're talking to one another
about the stones
in my babel of screams,
distorted visions and the beads of red
glittering on the highway
storming my head,
i am trying to keep pace
with the vanishing lights
dying to survive
in the clatter of trivial delights.
i know i can
decipher the code of horizon
embrace the darkness
and laugh at the shining crimson.
crossin the dividing lines
i have come much closer
i can now stand
to spit at the victorious losers.
coming so far
from the abondoned sands
i see them disappearing
from their conquered lands.
no matter how hard you try
to break my legs and make me cry
my insanity will always beat the flock of sheep
kick them in their graves and soak their spirits dry.

my wall...

thought i had something more to say...

it was 2 o' clock in the night when i thought of giving new colors to this painting which i painted an year ago. the result is before you.

the colors in the sky speak of the storm in my head and the darkness my story...

my wall...

the words glare at me every moment

the thoughts provoke me now and then

they want me to fight

the time has come

its time to win

its time to kill...

the end by doors (apocalypse now)

This is the end

Beautiful friend

This is the end

My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end

of everything that stands, the end

No safety or surprise, the end

I'll never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be

So limitless and free

Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand

In a...desperate land

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain

And all the children are insane

All the children are insane

Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

There's danger on the edge of town

Ride the King's highway, baby

Weird scenes inside the gold mine

Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake

To the lake, the ancient lake, baby

The snake is long, seven miles

Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best

The west is the best

Get here, and we'll do the rest

The blue bus is callin' us

The blue bus is callin' us

Driver, where you taken' us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on

He took a face from the ancient gallery

And he walked on down the hall

He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he

Paid a visit to his brother, and then he

He walked on down the hall, and

And he came to a door...and he looked inside

Father, yes son, I want to kill you

Mother...I want to...fuck you

C'mon baby, take a chance with us

C'mon baby, take a chance with us

C'mon baby, take a chance with us

And meet me at the back of the blue bus

Doin' a blue rock

On a blue bus

Doin' a blue rock

C'mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end

Beautiful friend

This is the end

My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free

But you'll never follow me

The end of laughter and soft lies

The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end