HISTORY - II

That night together

Filled with orgasm

Packed with delight

The rustle of sheets

The scream of bodies

You almost choked me

‘Idiot’

I know

I know
You don’t care

But it’s my turn today

To complain

To yell

And cry

I wish I knew

It’s a suicide

A chosen death

You clever

You brought

Me blindfolded

Into the alleys

Of that anonymous town

I don’t remember

Permitting you ever

That evening

When you broke the mugs

In anger

And I pledged to return

In time

I wish I could guess

I am being duped

Again

Like always

Wait! Wait!

I think you promised

To compensate

The scratch on my back

With a kiss

And that week of fever

In June

When you kept me awake

Every night

You promised for the

Cake my dear

The time has made you

Dishonest

I presume

Ah! How could I forget

That monstrous woman

In the next house

Her umbrella is still with me

I thought you would come

And collect

It’s still wet

She calls sometimes
To rebuke

And remind

The list is long

And your crimes many

Come

Collect

Repay

Fulfill

The memoirs

The promises

The deals

I am waiting

I’ll wait…

HISTORY

The scent of your skin

The texture of that fabric

The site of those flowers

The fragrance of those words

History

A beautiful history

The prose of your arms

The poetry of your eyes

The expansion of those moments

That stillness of silence

History

I hope

You remember

The kiss that slaughtered us

The breath that glued us

I hope

You still treasure

The rose I sent you

And the ink we spilled over

The words still dance

Around My feet

The bulbs even dazzle

About my side

The chocolate beans

The broken bangle

And the bitten skin

The healing glance

The gentle whisper

And the goodbye tears

Are locked inside

Stamped sealed

Stacked in a box

That Beatles record

You brought me once

Still stuck at

Where we left

Creaks sometimes

Intends

To play again

The damp of those several

Nights

Rusts plastered on the walls

The sobs

And cries

Resound enmeshed in air

The windowpane you

Loved to touch

Cracked some days before

The blue pencil

The sketch of the boy

You made on wood

Is learning to talk

It even complaints

Sometimes

Since you forgot to give

It the hands

The lipstick

The rubber band

The long muffler

You brought from

Tibetan old lady

With a wrinkled face

Is still wrapped

Around the teddy

The book of stories

The coffee mug

The butts of cigarettes

You smoked that day

I went inside and smoked

Them again

They still taste like your lips

Finally I could you kiss again

The day we made love

We both became both

You can go away

And manage not to answer

The question I asked you

You don’t need to come

And respond the way people do

I still hold you

Inside
You are there

I can feel you

Touch you

Hold you

Love the way I have

Always loved you…

Goodbye…

PEOPLE

PEOPLE PEOPLE

YOU ARE PAIN

ALWAYS

STILL

I CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU

I CAN’T  LIVE

WITHOUT YOU

I THINK MANY

A TIMES

WHAT MAKES YOU DO SO

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

THE WAY YOU ARE

DO I HAVE AN ANSWER

DO I DESERVE

TO BE ANSWERED

I AM YOU

AND

YOU ARE ME

IT’S THE EGO

‘I AM THIS’

WHICH MAKES A DISTICTION

EVERYTIME

AND LEAVES A TRACE BEHIND

AN ILLUSION OF MATERIAL

MAYA

WILD AGONISING

HAUNTING

PAINFUL

STICKY

A SIMPLE THING

WHY CAN’T I END THE CONFLICT

IS IT SO DIFFICULT

WHO AM I TO HATE

WHY CAN’T I LOVE

IS IT ME WHO ACTS STRANGE

OR IS IT SOMEBODY

DISGUISED IN ME

WHO IS IT

I PREPARE TO LEAVE

GO AWAY

WOULD IT BE OVER THEN

THE MEMORY

THE SAD BROKEN

PROMISES

MONSTERS

WOULD STILL BE THERE

KNOCKING FROM INSIDE

IT’S NOT YOU

WHOM I WANT TO ESCAPE

IT’S ME WHO’S

FLAWED

SCRATCHED

YOU CANNOT BE

IMPERFECT

IT’S JUST THE DELUDED

MIND

WHICH

CREATES IMPERFECTION

YOU CAN NEVER HURT ME

BECAUSE I DON’T EXIST

IN BODY

IT HAS ALWAYS

BEEN OTHER WAY ROUND

I WANT TO STOP IT

END IT

RISE

FEEL LIGHT

LOVE

LIBERATE ME

LIBERATE ME

MY GOD

FROM THE PERSON

I AM…

 

I LOVE YOU...

I am struggling to find a beginning. I am fighting to never let it end. And I am trying to let it happen. I know I am stupid. And I know I don’t know how to say it. But somebody does live inside me who wants to say this to somebody someday. He is growing inside. He is restless. He is pushing me hard. But I have lost it somewhere. May be on the road I started walking the previous night. I consider recollecting it and putting back the bits and pieces. Can I do it? I ask myself. And I know I can’t. I could have held it close to my heart. But it was something strange. Something naturally supernatural. I was losing myself. And I have lost a part of it inside me. He is still there disconnected, estranged, lost in his own world, moving in circles, drifting away every time I try and touch it. It hurts. He says and goes further away. He feeds me. And he does speak sometimes. Even shouts when things become difficult. But he had become silent for the past few days. I thought he died. I was happy. But I heard him again whispering inside today morning. Making moves and starting all over. I pretended ignoring him. I tried closing my eyes and dreaming something. But he was there, looking at me strangely. He has never been like this. At least this strange. But yes it was, this time. He questioned me. He expected me to answer. I replied. Something I have done many a times, but have always failed. I tried twisting the words, giving it a new look. I thought I won. But he threw it back. I failed again. I sit back and hold myself. I try contemplating. Where did I get it wrong? I could have let it happen. Was it really so difficult? Isn’t it something which should happen to everybody at least once in a lifetime? I thought it never happened to me. It never occurred. But is it really possible? Is it that it really never happened to me or is it that I failed to accept it? I push myself and smoke the last cigarette left in the packet, lighting it with matchsticks stolen from the neighbour’s room. I see myself enmeshed in the smoke rings. I try holding it inside. But can I really do? It burns. He says and goes further further away. I think it’s time. I must run and never let him go. And I must say it now. After all it’s not a bad word at all. It’s something very beautiful. It has always been. 

I know I don’t know how to say it. I must wrap it before giving it you. But I told you I have lost it somewhere or maybe I never really had it from the beginning. It’s the charm to hold you and kiss you before letting it go. I told you I am stupid. But I know you are beautiful. May be you would understand me someday. You can name it anything. And you can even return it back. But you must know this before I go.

I love you. And I have really missed you…always.