Monday, July 7, 2008

web of memories

I close my eyes. I saw her standing near the gate waiting for me with utmost desperation. Her eyes are full of hope. Her lips are silently moving in prayer for my well being. I try hard to wake up since it cannot be a reality anymore. The more I try the more it’s difficult. Suddenly I see myself in the scene. I am dressed as a school boy. Lost in my world of fantasies being totally innocent about her affection. She embraces me in her arms. Her face lightens up and lips utter words of adoration. The rest is nothing but a sweet lullaby. Everything seems to be like a lost world. I wake up from my sleep and get occupied within no time. No time to think no time to cherish the dream. A mad race in a mad struggle. It’s hard to imagine how it happened so fast. I cannot even think about the precise moment when the innocence gave way to materialism and vanished from my life like it was never there to begin with. I have no idea when I took a turn and got on a different road. Not even the slightest hint at all. But the realty is, it happened. I remember, as a child, I used to stare at the clock for hours together just to catch the moment when minute hand of the clock changed its direction. But I could never seize that moment. The world changes in a blink. Thousands of moments get lost in a blink and you keep staring at the dichotomy of time.

I close my eyes again. I see my friends. I see my brothers and sisters. I smile how they used to be so stupid and illogical as a child. Those little pranks lie buried in the garden somewhere. I remember when I departed from my friends after 10th class. We promised to write letters to each other every week. It seemed to be so easy at that time. I still remember the promise but have no time to make it true. Moreover who the hell write letters in 2008? Everybody has a crush in his school life on a teacher. I too had. I used to like my biology teacher a lot. These little and innocent memories lie hidden in some part of my head. Sometimes they seem to be like a web. Already its impossible to live and they make the life even more difficult.

But I do want to live the life of my memories once again. I want to stare at the clock with the same innocence once again to catch hold of the moment lost in the blink. I want to dig those pranks from the garden in the backyard. I want to say goodbye to my friends once again with a promise to write letters every week. I want to wear my school uniform and get received with same hope and affection. I want to yell I want to cry as a child. I want my innocence back. But I know I can’t go back. I also know that it’s not possible because the woman in the dream is no more…


Sometimes honesty gives you big surprises. I saw a wonderful movie today. An honest movie by an honest team of filmmakers and actors called ‘idiots’. The movie, I would say, is not only an eye opener but an insight into the inside of the people which is full of filth and hypocrisy. This is the first film made under the label of Dogma, a Scandinavian film group inspired by the Danish director ‘Lars von Trier’, which insists that their new manifesto on how to make films, be adhered to by those who make films under their label.

This dogma consists of improvised acting and hand-held camera work, among other dogmas the film must adhere to. There are several rules which have to be followed for making ‘dogma’ film. The film is made by a hand held camera using natural light and sound effects. The use of artificial light and sound amplifications is strictly prohibited throughout the film. All this gives the film a realistic look. In short these films promise to stay away from all the clichés of commercial Hollywood cinema. And in a way the films made under this category are anti-film films.

‘Idiots’ has a bunch of middle-class cult groupies living together in a rich private house that one of their relatives gave them, as the group members seem to be either in their late teens or their 20s, whose repulsive purpose is to freak out in public and display a show of insanity and sometimes do it when together in the privacy of their house. The purpose is to bring out the inner idiot out of them. To spasse, is a Danish term, which refers to those who act like idiots even though they are not. These episodes of spassing give this film an odd look that is guaranteed to turn off a lot people and anger many, especially those who expect more conventional ways of looking at the problems young people face in society.

This blog should not be considered a film review or something like that because I am definitely in not that mood. Rather the article is a confession and declaration that I am nothing but a fucking hypocritic poser and a pseudo intellectual kind of a personality. The movie distinguishes between two kinds of people; those who pose to be different or insane or idiots but can’t do so in real crisis and life time situations and those who really are insane or different but don’t pose for the sake of proving it. And I am certainly the former one. Since I have realized what sort of a person I am, I want to apologize to all those who have been generous enough in reading my articles and give me a moral boost through their honest comments, for being fake in trying to establish my insanity when in reality I don’t have the courage to bring it out as and when the need arises. I have written a lot about insanity and at one point of time I started believing myself to be the master of this concept. But after watching the movie I feel that I am merely a beginner to this concept. There are several aspects which have to be dealt with thoroughly and viewed from a different perspective. To feel like insane and being one are two different issues which need to be considered. And the latter is more difficult. Insanity, in my view, is a weapon which has the potential to change the things and revolutionize the fucking strangulating systems; be it our fucking strangulating family systems or the ever existing demeaning political systems. To write about insanity and hope for a change would not necessarily solve the issue. It needs a hell lot of courage to be insane and fuck the society or the systems at the point where it hurts a lot. Insanity needs to be brought in everyday practice of being a human being and being among those who want to bring about a change. Only then we can hope for a generation which is not only free in its thought process but also in converting it’s thought into a viable expression.