I am struggling to find a beginning. I am fighting to never let it end. And I am trying to let it happen. I know I am stupid. And I know I don’t know how to say it. But somebody does live inside me who wants to say this to somebody someday. He is growing inside. He is restless. He is pushing me hard. But I have lost it somewhere. May be on the road I started walking the previous night. I consider recollecting it and putting back the bits and pieces. Can I do it? I ask myself. And I know I can’t. I could have held it close to my heart. But it was something strange. Something naturally supernatural. I was losing myself. And I have lost a part of it inside me. He is still there disconnected, estranged, lost in his own world, moving in circles, drifting away every time I try and touch it. It hurts. He says and goes further away. He feeds me. And he does speak sometimes. Even shouts when things become difficult. But he had become silent for the past few days. I thought he died. I was happy. But I heard him again whispering inside today morning. Making moves and starting all over. I pretended ignoring him. I tried closing my eyes and dreaming something. But he was there, looking at me strangely. He has never been like this. At least this strange. But yes it was, this time. He questioned me. He expected me to answer. I replied. Something I have done many a times, but have always failed. I tried twisting the words, giving it a new look. I thought I won. But he threw it back. I failed again. I sit back and hold myself. I try contemplating. Where did I get it wrong? I could have let it happen. Was it really so difficult? Isn’t it something which should happen to everybody at least once in a lifetime? I thought it never happened to me. It never occurred. But is it really possible? Is it that it really never happened to me or is it that I failed to accept it? I push myself and smoke the last cigarette left in the packet, lighting it with matchsticks stolen from the neighbour’s room. I see myself enmeshed in the smoke rings. I try holding it inside. But can I really do? It burns. He says and goes further further away. I think it’s time. I must run and never let him go. And I must say it now. After all it’s not a bad word at all. It’s something very beautiful. It has always been.
I know I don’t know how to say it. I must wrap it before giving it you. But I told you I have lost it somewhere or maybe I never really had it from the beginning. It’s the charm to hold you and kiss you before letting it go. I told you I am stupid. But I know you are beautiful. May be you would understand me someday. You can name it anything. And you can even return it back. But you must know this before I go.
I love you. And I have really missed you…always.