A page from the dairy of a woman...
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Warning: Dr. Meenakshi is 35 years old, famous Dermatologist of Mumbai running a successful private set up since last six years, married to a general surgeon and comfortably settled in the city. This is an extract of her daily diary. But she is work of fiction. So are other characters mentioned in this extract. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co-incidental and unintentional.
01 march, 2011
0300hrs
Hmm…I knew he was going to come. It was all in mind, etched and clear like a beautiful dream. I just couldn’t resist the thought of him. He came and settled there. From nowhere. I woke up early. Took a long bath. Washed my hair. Dried them. Wore the costliest perfume I had in my cupboard. Dressed up in blue. Just to match his blue jeans. He seems to be very fond of this…color…kind of stuck to it. Haven’t seen him wearing anything else… but… blue. Felt elated when I saw his name in the appointment book. Got settled for a while. Just to make sure. Took a deep breath. It was too difficult. I was like losing myself. I grabbed my neck. Eased a bit and rang the bell. And he was there the next moment. In blue jeans and white shirt. Tall, fresh with pimples on his face. Hmm…seemed to have increased in number compared to his last visit. It’s too difficult to get hold of these hormones. Prescribed some new medicines and lotions. Gave him next month’s appointment. And bid him goodbye. He was gone. Felt as if he is never going to come again. Thought of calling him, shouting his name. But it was just not possible. How could I? Being a doctor, a married woman and a mother of two daughters. He was just a patient who tickled me and made me believe that I was there. Very much there. Kicking and alive. Anyways I finished the OPD and had lunch with Karishma. She hasn’t changed a bit. We did our dermatology post-graduation together from Manipal. We were meeting after 2 long years. Meanwhile, she got married and got divorced after six months of her wedding. Aborted a child with her previous husband. And madam is in a relationship again. With her husband’s childhood friend. I just can’t believe her sometimes. She is so unpredictable. You would have seen the glow on her face. Felt as if she were pregnant. Anyhow we planned to meet again coming Saturday. Returned late at 7. Had to do some shopping for the evening. After all, it was our 10th anniversary. A decade long relationship…hhh. Had some wine. Bloody marry. A nice dinner in taj. Deserts. Rajesh gifted me a diamond necklace today. And I presented him an I-pad. He is too fond of all this stuff. And then we were back. Hmm…I know what are you waiting for so long? Yes we made it. After all it was a special day for both of us. We got to enjoy. We got to relive that moment when it was all very beautiful and nice. Rajesh played Beatles on his new I-pad. And we got lost in the heat of the moment.
Something happened tonight which was strange. Too strange. We were making love. My eyes were closed in anticipation of an orgasm. And he was there again. Opening the door, walking towards me and making him comfortable on the stool. He wished me morning; I adjusted his face in the light and touched his spots. I felt uneasy and opened my eyes. And saw Rajesh reaching the climax. I felt as if I was cheating on him. My throat swelled and felt as if I couldn’t breathe. But it was not the first time. Very often I see my father lifting me and ruffling my hair. What’s he doing there at this time? I got to be crazy. Sometimes it’s Anand with his geeky spectacles. I do get his odor sometimes suddenly as if he just passed while we were making love to each other. Sometimes it’s my old friend Amit hugging and kissing me. Sometimes it’s my physics professor slapping and abusing me. Sometimes I see an entire orgy pushing inside me. I see lot many of them. But I don’t see Rajesh very often. He is always there. All over me, inside me. But not in my mind. Sometimes I don’t even recognize the faces I see. I feel strange. After all, I will be forty in next five years. And my daughters will join their high schools. This is something which I am never able to figure out. Is it right for me? Do I need to talk to somebody about this? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? I can hardly figure it out on my own. I want to hammer down my head to see what all filth is cluttered inside.
It’s not possible to sleep tonight without the pills. I'll go mad thinking about all this. I need to take them. I need to get a good sleep. This is what is required at the moment.May be one day I find an answer to my sexual fantasies and urges...
6 comments:
Dear Mohit
Good. You are taking it to a different level. Beginning from a simple portrait to a complex internal feeling, this is the woman of today. That is what Catherine Breillat has done in her Romance. The dichotomy of body and mind as the interface that defines the woman experience. But i would like to ask "is this only a female experience or the experience of being a human? I know you needed to build a context for this question to emerge. But i feel that assumed separated-ness of female and male experience is the most fundamental illusion and in your words, an (in)sane illusion.
Dear Bhaiya
This is certainly not only a female experience but a universal human experience. Yes the problem exists due to the assumed separated-ness of male and female entities. In other words, this question exists due to the structure of identities. This structure stands before me every time I try to deal with a different problem. I know it would take some time to destruct and restructure the things in a completely new manner. I am just trying to raise a question and seek for answers. De-structuring would require a combined force and effort of like-minded individuals. As you often say, we would need to create some biotopes. Till then, we would have to live with these insane illusions...
Dear Bhaiya
That is the reason I insist upon that we need to understand our basics first, and then try to step onto the next echelon. We have forgotten the chain of evolution which has lead us to this form. Irrespective of whosoever we are, we are animals first, then we are some creatures with a basic ability to reproduce, then we are humans, then comes all other identities of caste, creed, race, nationality, gender, social status etc etc.
I really go with Mr. Aggarwal's views. Series of posts on this blog seems to be transformed to another levels. Where not only women's domestic, social need were not only the case of utmost concern for her. But, there are some moment, where she loosed herself out for the sake of sexual coherence. Such pervertness heading for fulfilling sexual appetite cause a diversified interfaces in her life. Lots of time, she satisfy her body sexually by crawling with desired source.
The question here is...
whether this kind of feeling, irrespective of husband's love, is morally accepted in our society?
By the way..again this is also a amazing piece of work of fiction ...i really like it...
If you dont mind it..i would like to tell that, plz. Follow PAULO COELHO's blog from my blog..you will definately benefitted...
Dear Umesh
Thnx for being such a support throughout this series and writing such wonderful things about these posts. Since you have asked about the moral acceptance of such a behavior I would like to ask you do our desires and urges ask for a moral permission before cropping up? Do our hormones and emotions seek for a moral and ethical acceptance before causing a burst? No, they don't. Does a woman of today in any way really bothered about these baseless structures? I think she is more worried about her lost appetite and she does want to revive it any manner possible.
Anyways, thnx for suggesting the blog. I would definitely read it and write about it.
bye.
keep in touch.
keep writing.
Dear Mohit,
I think the baseless structures you are defining here is slaughtered completely by today's women. She has, either outrageously or sarcastically, imposed limitations to cacophonies conflicting her in way to achieve desirous results....
Such destructive nature of today's women is not meant to be out of scope..but in a way she is suggesting something meaningful to her life...
But, it will be quite difficult for her to carry out reform, biting desirous fruits, if she carried out such drastic attempts, out of societial scenario... Anything went opposite to the fundamentals (it doesn't matter), by bullying ethical conduct and scope of humanism, shall not be transcended into juice of life....
Here i would like to reitrate that.. Sometime, moralistic bindings restricts us to carry out changes at our own wish or parameters.....
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