I do not know how to begin.
It’s really very difficult to be honest sometimes. More so, when you know your
honesty would allure so many unsolicited opinions about you. After this you
would always be judged. In a particular way. And tagged with a label. Like they
do in a general store or a warehouse. You would have a new, unanimously elected
synonym to your name. Pronounced in a whimsical manner. It happened to people I
know. People like me. Who just wished to love. They suffered. Were secluded. And
categorized similarly. It’s been a habit. Bad habit. Habits are pain. Always. But
you think I care now? It’s time to be true to somebody atleast. In fact, all
fears emanate from suppression of truth all our lives. It’s time to let it
free. I have resisted myself a lot. But it’s essential you should know this
before the verdict. The evening you rode me to the end of town. I knew it was
bound to happen. People love to meander in fantasy all the time. But you hardly
have control over the things you do. Actions can still be controlled to an
extent. But emotions they know nothing about the hegemony of power. You can
certainly decide for yourself. But not for the universe around you. It does happen.
And when it happens you lose. Everything you claimed to possess. Everything you
so haughtily professed to be true. Certainty is a rare phenomenon. A long,
brutal wait. I have never understood questions people ask each other. When?
Why? How? Or when people say I will definitely or would never…with certainty. As
if they know. Is the answer always so simple? Plain? White? And can these
questions be really answered? Without pause. Without thought. Only if anybody
had never heard of love and death before, doubts could be pardoned. Humor me. I
could never speak those words before. And I have hardly ever known what poetry
is. Also I am aware you could never sing. But how could you…that day? I always whined
about that scar on your forehead. But it seems impeccable now. Did you do mend it?
I cannot even imagine you without. I knew it was going to rain. The air was
moist that evening. Perfumed. Inebriated. Yes. I confess I kissed you. Touched
you. ‘There’. But need I apologize? Is it wrong? Unethical? Immoral? Is it? I deserved
something better. But you returned me words. Big words. Words I would never
understand. What should I do with them? You think it would end. That way. Going
away. As if nothing ever happened. Would it be a justice? You think it was just
a rustle of bodies. A scratch of skin. And an exchange of fluids. Are we so
impolite? You think I manipulated. But was it only me? Did I ever volunteer?
Waved my hand? Or showed a flag? You think I never tried. I too care for
society. What they say what they feel, matter to me too. Blame may be a tiny
word. For those who don’t have a heart. Sometimes a word may end a life. Don’t
they hang for using such words? Am I being irrational? Crime is not always
tangible. One may commit thousand crimes a day. Is it just? Who would resolve
this entire crisis of victimization? Are we trying to propose? An argument? A
consensus? A covenant? Sometimes the world seems ridiculously simple. Naïve.
Innocent. Ignorance is a veil I suppose. A bright black veil. Rigidly stitched.
Essentialised. Can you help tearing it apart? You definitely can. Love can.
Death will. How can you be so blind? Maya is a choice my love. We make in every
moment. You would say I am drifting away. But in fact, I am welding the gap. It’s
comfortable to misinterpret. You save the labor. One can gossip too. Who needs
scriptures? Philosophy? It’s insane. Uneducated. Is there still some space? I
sense it but why not you? We have the same bodies. Anatomically. At least. You always
make unnecessary efforts. Try resting for a while. It would become painless. I
cannot preach. But I can feel. Why can’t you? Have you lost it? The ability.
Can you…really? It’s inherent I suppose. Unmarred. Unscathed. I can even sketch
the face. With eyes. Ears. Nose. Lips. And grace. Can’t you? You don’t need to
label also. Am I being unreasonable again? Names are just to avoid confusion.
But why you use them otherwise? Is it justice? Justice is a difficult word. We
don’t use it very often. But we do love writing it. Prophesize. It may sound
like complaining. But I am just trying to narrate. The truth. Its long I
realize. Boring too. Disconnected may be. But harsh. Like acid. Living is a
choice. Choose. Life. Love. Death. Misery. Death fails. Always. If love
situates. Identify. Realize. I loved you. I still do. Accept it. Turn towards me.
It may burn the skin. For once. But it would heal the soul. Like a shaman.
Believe. Leave the rest. Don’t be scared. Of people. Their words. Their
versions. Love me. This is all I ask. From you. Love you.
