Thursday, February 14, 2008

the end by doors (apocalypse now)

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

its all dark

yes it's dark its really dark. and this is the only reality left in my life now. it takes time to assimilate this harsh truth of life but when it gets absorbed u feel weaker . a loneliness never felt before, a kind of helplessness never experienced before surrounds and breaks you from inside. i was in a dilemma when he told me about this fact whether to believe it or not. but he was sure that i would experience it one day and feel as helpless as the people in the past had been or the people present feel when they encounter the ultimate. the most difficult part i would say had not been the realization but life with this realization. in my case the realization came in stages. the first time i felt like dancing when i saw the reflection of darkness in the figure of krishna. i felt like seeing krishna for the first time in my life. it was nothing less than an enlightenment. i wanted to dance like a child dances naked in the rain. i wanted to smile as a mother smiles when she looks at her baby the first time after delivery. it made me stunned as a boy who discovers his sexuality for the first time in the act of masturbation. i felt like reaching the peaks of mount everest standing there infront of the idol of krishna. i felt like discovering something never ever discovered before. the second time pink floyd made me realize what it really means to be dark and alone. i would have listened to those chords of the guitar a hundred times before but what they wanted to tell me i could never ever imagine. i felt as if pink floyd was formed not to create music but to make me realize the intensity of the dark canvass on which our lives have been painted. i felt like vomiting. i felt choked and wanted to suicide. that realization has made me quiet as i had never been. i feel lonely in the company of friends. the celebrations have lost their meaning for me. everything seems to be artificial and false. nobody is a friend. there is war going on everywhere and everyone wants to weaken and defeat me. i don't have the strength to fight. i don't have the means to save my life. it becomes difficult to find words now. my writings seem to have lost their effectiveness. i fear to write. i fear to express. i feel i am writing my experience on a black piece of paper with a black pen and nothing is visible when i try to read it. things will change one day. i still believe it. the time may be about to come. i waited for a long time. the wait is going to over. perhaps i am out of place now. i am exausted, burnt, may be lost. it's over now. i don't want it anymore. for the first time in my life i can feel the void inside me. it may have been there from the beginning but only now i can feel its existence. its growing every minute. just about to burst. just about to extinguish. just about to engulf every inch of my survival. its laughing. i am made to hear its cry. my ears are about to explode. eyes getting blind. everybody is happy. everybody was good. they were behaving just the way they should. only i was ignorant. i was stupid. i was wrong. all seem to be meaningless now. its all bullshit. the point has come when i am able to touch the horizon that seemed to be invincible once. the things really merge here or should i say they cease to exist at all. the party is going on. friends are enjoying, dancing, getting high. music is in the air. the smoke all around. they say its a different world. i used to be a part of it few days back. but things have turned up in a different way. i am not a member now. i have been thrown out or should i say i chose it. its all same. the void has outgrown and surrounded me all over. a vaccuum has formed. i wanted to get out. but its over now. who the fuck wants to get out? i can feel no pain no thirst no hunger. just a final desire to burn into ashes. i want to end up everything. life is just a formality now. the chain is long and i am just a small and insignificant part of it. i am no different. just another brick in the wall. all the ambiguities seem to be over. who the fuck i am roaming here purposelessly? it doesn't belong to me or should i say i am an alien. lost in the world of big people. i am a tiny speck or a worthless piece of shit. i am waiting. waiting for the things to show up fast. just want the ultimate. the end seems to be approaching every time i close my eyes. i believe in a saying that if a thing happens twice it happens for the third time also.
i am waiting, waiting for the third time...