Wednesday, June 25, 2008

transitory existence

It’s hard to give meaning to the thoughts which come for a moment and leave an everlasting impression.
It’s hard to pen down the images which flash for a second but remain etched in the memory forever.
It’s hard to find words when everything seems so blank.
And it’s really not easy to do justice with the words when their meaning won’t ever find a refuge.
I know that everything is transitory.
Realizing this makes it even more difficult.
It seems worthless to try when I see my transitory existence surrounded by the vultures all around.
They won’t leave me no matter how hard I try.
They won’t ever let the things change for once and for all.
But how can I be deceitful to the immortal soul?
How can I pretend knowing that I am a human being?
My thoughts define my existence.
My words stare at me for expression.
They don’t really know about my being helpless and all alone.
I try hard to hide.
But it’s really getting too complicated.
The pigs are growing day by day.
And the dogs have all always been too faithful to their masters.
And then there is always a flock of sheep to suffer and whimper.
There is no place for me in this farm.
I am merely a spectator at my own funeral.

Hypocrisy – an epidemic / insanity - a crime

During the most intimate moments of my day in the quietest of surroundings, at the height of explosion I masturbated in my room. This time I raped the girl living in the house next to me and had the most satisfying orgasm of my life. She was distracting my thought since morning and making me feel restless. I was postponing the act for a long time but then it became simply impossible to manage and at last I had to do it. I don’t feel guilty because it was inevitable and necessary for the satisfaction of my hidden yet ever existing and omnipotent desire. I don’t think it would be difficult to face her the next time. On the contrary it would be much easier considering the psychological turmoil I used to come across on meeting her before. I may be guilty and criminal from inside but according to the society I am innocent. Somebody may call me a hypocrite but its better than to be labeled as a rapist. I would continue living my life in a similar way as I have been living before. Same old work same old food same old frustration but a new girl every day on my bed during the most intimate moments of the day. This is how I have existed till now. This is how I will continue for the rest of my life. And I am sure this is how millions of other boys or girls of my age exist in the world today and have existed before.

He was a friend of mine. We used to have a very good time. Then he betrayed me for no reason and made my life a living hell. I don’t want to see his face again. I wish a miserable life for him everyday in my prayers. I have killed him a thousand times in my dreams. But he is still there to remind me of those days and the worse he has done to my life. It’s illegal to kill and it’s too humiliating to be labeled as a murderer. I am a very respectable person of my society. Everybody pay respect to my position and my personality. I can’t take law in my hands. Only thing I can continue to do is to continue killing him in my dreams for the rest of my life and try to make life as miserable as I can for my friend. This way I can continue living my life as before and still be respected and admired without wearing the badge of a criminal.

It’s too easy to be a hypocrite and still be sane and loved by the society. But it’s too difficult to break the law and be called as an insane or a criminal. A very thin line exists between hypocrisy and insanity. If we visualize closely it would not be difficult to find rapists or murderers in our own family or friend circle. But still we love them because they haven’t done crime according to the prescribed definitions of law and society. In other words hypocrisy is a widely accepted phenomenon. We may look at hypocrisy in a negative way but in reality we all are hypocrites to a certain extent. We all live in this veil of hypocrisy. Those who come out of it are called insane; those who continue are called civilized citizens of the society. It will not be wrong to say that hypocrisy is an epidemic. But nobody is really interested in curing it. On the other hand society has defined punishments for those who cross the line. Emotions distinguish man from animals but also have made him the most hypocrite being existing in the world. In other words animals are not hypocrites. Sometimes it’s difficult to decide what is right and what exactly is not. If rape is a crime then is it right to rape a girl in thoughts and masturbate? Sex is a taboo in the Indian context. The young boys and girls are literally starved for sex for a very long time. It will not be wrong to say that millions of girls are living a life of mental prostitution in India and outside. Then why does society consider prostitution a crime when prostitution is so rampant in the minds of the youth in reality? Is there a space for this kind of promiscuity if the society is so moral and religious? Society has made everything to its advantage. It has defined everything so intelligently so that the ones who question it would always be proved out rightly wrong and be readily eliminated from the system without even their traces left behind.

Do we need to revise our definitions and prescribe new ones which would be as controversial and at the same time as wrong as the existing ones? Is it necessary to distinguish right and wrong when one can be proved the other in some other or the same context or the difference in reality is actually very superficial? Isn’t it right to say that we being the most intelligent beings are also the ones who are spiritually the poorest and the weakest?

It’s not possible to be insane and at the same time hope for a stable system everywhere. In other words some amount of hypocrisy is required for survival. But it’s also necessary to define our zone of insanity and work on it extensively to fill the loopholes in the systems around us. All we can do is to be a less hypocrite and try to view the things from a different perspective.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

मेरी आज़ादी का अनुभव

मैं पिंजरे की बंद चिडिया हूँ
आजाद होना चाहती हूँ
उड़ना चाहती हूँ
एक दिन पिंजरे का मालिक पिंजरा
खोल देता है
अब आजाद हूँ
उड़ना सीख रही हूँ
पंख फैला रही हूँ
पर अब बहुत हुआ
मैंने अपने पंख काट दिए
वापस पिंजरे में बंद हूँ
सपने बहुत जी चुकी
आज़ादी बहुत जी चुकी
अब आराम करना चाहती हूँ
अब भी खुश हूँ
क्या बुरा है पिंजरे की ज़िंदगी में?