I have been blessed today, blessed with the wisdom, blessed with a realization, blessed with love and deeper understanding of everything going around me for so many seasons. And it has happened suddenly, without scheduling anything in anticipation, without any necessary arrangements. In that flash of understanding, I could decipher the never-ending suffering and agony of a modern man and woman, the wild expansion of violence, hatred and perversion in this world and the sad demise of love and trust in our society. I could comprehend why the flash of darshan is not happening everywhere with everybody as is happening with me and some people around me. I had brought a book called ‘Abhed Akash’ from my brother recently few days back, based upon the conversations between Udayan Vajpeyi and Mani Kaul. Udayan Vajpeyi is a Hindi poet, essayist, short fiction and script writer, whose works have been extensively published and translated into many other languages. Mani Kaul though doesn’t require any formal introduction, but for the sake of convenience, was a renowned Indian filmmaker, critically acclaimed in international art circles as the avant garde independent filmmaker from India who gave a completely new definition to Indian cinema.


Similarly, we as modern human beings have taken a pratigya/vow to remain moral, upright and structured. Everybody has taken a certain vow in life for the sake of survival. A modern female has taken a vow that she would remain loyal to her parents, moral to her husband, and upright to her children. And she has decided that come what may, she would not deter from her vow. She even decides to forsake her love and beloved for remaining loyal to the vow of morality. Even if she ever becomes promiscuous, the burden of morality doesn’t leave her. A modern woman is an estranged, dichotomized woman. This is what is happening around us. The females opt and prefer to betray for the sake of morality. We as humans opt to follow the structure for the question of survival, even if that structure devastates us in the end. A modern man has bartered happiness for survival, love for morality, desire for pain and bliss for suffering. We have inflicted and imposed misery upon ourselves. Nobody can be blamed. The word ‘darshan’ is a dirty word in public. You try shout in open, and you would be called insane. The question of survival was never that difficult as we have made it through generations. As the people call it, the outside world is a monster world. But it’s really not that monstrous as it appears to be. After all it’s the people everywhere and it is the people only who make the system. We have in fact generated a system of fear in this process. And the strange part is that we haven’t done it consciously and nobody has done it to us in senses. The realization is not possible in a conscious state because the vow has been taken at a deeper subconscious level and has been strengthened through years of grooming and conditioning. It can be realized only in a deeply meditative state. When a sperm fuses with the ovum and the fertilized ovum implants itself in the uterus of the female, the pratigya/vow is implanted along with it. This is how the individual becomes ‘pratigyabadh’ from the very beginning when the seed of life is implanted in the womb of the mother. It grows and breathes in the womb, nourishes in the same liquor amnii and takes birth along with the birth of the child. And it is transferred from generation to generation like this silently, sneakily.

Until and unless this vow of morality is dropped consciously by the individual he would keep on suffering his whole life. The pratigya eliminates the possibility of love/ishq from life. It makes the liberation of an individual a tedious process. We have deliberately blindfolded ourselves. All of us are modern avatars of Gandhari. Until and unless this blindfold is not dropped, darshan is impossible and love can’t happen. The obsession with the moral has to be dropped once and for all. Mani Kaul believes that vyavastha/structure/organization and avyavastha/non-structure/chaos/anarchy always walk hand in hand with each other. Moral and immoral are equally powerful in every moment. Choosing the one is not going to eliminate the other. It would just make it more potent. Therefore whatever structure we have imagined and constructed, a chaos is already present along then and there only. It is just present outside the frame of that structure. It is impinging it from outside, terrorizing the existence of that structure every second, ready to drop in whenever it finds a way. And we as mortal beings are trying very hard for our whole lives to escape from this chaos. This is what is ultimately related to the fear of death which takes various different forms in our whole life. Sometimes, it disguises itself as the fear of loss, sometimes as fear of poverty, sometimes as fear of disease. But if this chaos is so inherent to the very nature of structure then why don’t we allow it to enter our being, rather than strengthening it from outside? Mani Kaul was a genius who could understand Mahabharata and cinema in a way which no other filmmaker/intellectual could manage to do so and also simultaneously allow the randomness to exist along with the structure. He admitted that he finally decided to give it a way because that was the only solution available to him. This is the solution available to us also otherwise the fight would continue the whole life. We have tried following the order for a very long time. And it has certainly not resolved the things for better and made our lives any easier. If the disorder is actually not that disordered and the order is really not that ordered so why continue the distinction. In any case, this distinction is nothing but an illusion created to satisfy the ego of a frightened man.