Is there an end to it?
I often ask myself. And the
answer leaves me astounded and silent as ever. Never… But why? A long silence.
And then a sarcastic smile… It says it all. There’s nothing more to interpret.
But is this what we come for? A never ending uncertainty? May be…It cannot be
true. It cannot be so rude. But this is the truth. But there can be some
solution or we can devise one. Try it…It says and laughs aloud. And then it
goes back.
I do torture myself endless
number of times. And search for the answer desperately. The last few days have
been full of such queries but with no answers. It has to happen this way. It’s
written. Who am I to change the destiny? But I am not even trying. I am just
trying to resolve - is there an end to it? A long chain entangled at every inch
complicated further by various other entangled chains intertwined at endless
levels with the first one. Try unfolding one. It gets convoluted further.
I search for a happy face. I even
find one but the moment I try to approach I see nails punched deep inside
stretching it from both the ends. You try removing one and you get loads of
skin and flesh along. I search for love. I even find one. But the moment I try
to connect I find a flat glass which can shatter anytime with a slight touch.
You try healing it with a patch and it gets wounded further. I search for
truth. The next moment I find one but mounted proudly on a heap of lies. You
cannot get inside without forging yourself. I search for tenderness. And I find
it buried inside the filth and muck of several centuries. You cannot unearth it
without losing your own.
As far as I can remember I only visualize
myself and all the people I have known surrounded by layers and layers of
sorrows all around. My mother used to tell me that I was a product of complicated
and life threatening delivery. The doctors had already declared before that
nobody would survive but fortunately we both did. My entire childhood passed in
my mother’s illness. I received a lot of love from her but she was always sick
and unhealthy. As I grew up, the troubles increased manifold. I had just
stepped into puberty when I realized that we had become bankrupt. We had come
under heavy debt and had to face a lot of humiliation as well. We had to leave
our home and city. I had to leave my school, my friends and my childhood back
in the old city. It was middle of night when we had to run away like cowards to
a strange place. The problems had not even resolved when they got further complicated
by my mother’s failed hysterectomy and septicemia. Finally she died. I started
preparing for my medical entrance. Getting into a med school seemed an
impossible dream at that time. Finally I got through. I got admitted in the
best medical college of the country. The first two years went smoothly. As I
stepped into third, new set of problems emerged. The system started hurting me
a lot. I felt suffocated. I became too vulnerable. Even thought of running away
and committing suicide. Finally I met an angel. I survived and got to the
shore. Finally passed the finals and got commissioned in Indian army with a
handsome salary. Suddenly I became rich. I thought the long struggle had
eventually come to an end. But there was something else stored for me. The
moment I realized that I was rich the next moment I was burdened with loads of
responsibilities. I became poor once again. Furthermore my spiritual journey
had just begun when immediately the carnal desires started hindering it
altogether. It dragged me to the filthy streets where I realized that it’s a
big mad world. I am not alone. I have friends as well whom I had not met till
now. I look towards the future and see no variation. It’s a big cloudy,
polluted and damaged world ahead. Ten years down the line I would have nothing
but only remorse to gift to my kids. It would be a beginning of another
struggle. My kids would someday become my enemies. And it would continue on and
on.
I am not trying to prove anything
by being autobiographical. Neither am I trying to gain any sympathy. There are
million other victims on this planet more perturbed and damaged than me. But is
there an end to all this? Is there an end to this hopelessness? Is there an end
to this solitude? Is there an end to all this pain? Is there an end to this
rigmarole of conflicts and disagreements? Is there an end to this poverty? Is
there an ‘end’ beyond this ‘end’? Sometimes I feel that I have become bipolar in
recent times. I undergo serious mood swings sometimes. For a flash of second I
am very hopeful and happy but the next moment I get sucked inside my own paucity.
The questions which had not even touched me in any way before have suddenly
started disturbing and disconcerting me in a strange way nowadays. And believe
me most of these questions have nothing to do with my personal and spiritual struggle.
Most of these inquiries are pretty materialistic and worldly and this predicament
increases the tension further. Am I getting older? Or am I getting ‘sane’ in a
societal sense? Or Am I becoming worldly? Or am I just being illogical and
crazy at the moment? I am not saying that I belong to some other planet but I
am petrified that I might be getting consumed by this. There is so much to do
and there is so much which I want to do but I am not able to because of some
mysterious interference. And most of the time I end up doing things which I
don’t want to do. Whom should I blame? Is there anybody responsible for this or
is it the ‘me’ inside me responsible? There should be somebody whom I may be
able to use as a punching bag for distorting my life. But I know that sadly
there is nobody. People say that this is something which everybody has to go
through someday. ‘You are becoming man,
man’. I hate it when they throw this bullshit on my face. Why should my
fate be similar to everybody’s fate? Why should I suffer for things which they
had to suffer? Why should I clean their shit? Why should every generation
inherit the pain and poverty of the previous generation? Why are we not able to
design our lives and the world around the way we want to? Do I really have
anything which I could leave to my kids? Besides a multitude of incurable
syndromes and some billion dollar debts as a generation do we have anything
which we could pass onto our next generations? If happiness is the ultimate aim
then why does everybody end up searching and fighting for it only? I know that
the world is changing and is changing fast but I have serious doubts regarding
its sustainability. We must be sure that whatever we are trying to build or
whatever we are building should have a self-sustainable power. It should be an
ever evolving and ever progressing future. But are we actually doing this bit? Aren’t
we burdening our kids with loads and loads of morality and other stuff so that
they should grow dwarfs and die dwarfs? Aren’t we just creating a set of
structures and counter structures and replacing it with another similar set every
generation? Aren’t we making sure that like any other species on this land, it’s
time for our own species to become extinct too?
Ghalib believed that life is one
continuous painful struggle which can end only when life itself ends. But is
death the solution? Isn’t it a form of escape? If death is the solution than
rather embracing it physically all at once can’t we do it in every flash of
life? Wouldn’t it open doors and doors of solutions and possibilities in every
moment we live and thrive? Do we need to build another civilization? I don’t
think so. But we do need to unearth the existing one. We do need to dig deeper
and cling to our roots once again. Instead of building multi-storied malls
stuffed with artificial air and asbestos we should build bazaars with real
people filling the streets with music and magic. Rather than labeling and
judging everybody with pre-defined yardsticks we must try being non-judgmental
and see what difference it would make to our lives. Rather than shouting and howling for morality
all through our lives we must try to be free from this very need. Instead of
hammering with contexts endeavour must be directed towards breaking those
contexts and substituting all of them with a context of human understanding.
I do not see any big possibility
coming my way but I do feel that something is being whispered from somewhere. ‘Search for love and meditate death in every
moment’. This is what my heart says at this moment. It says this is the
solution and may be this could be the one.
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