DARSHAN AUR PRATIGYA – III: KAHANI AUR KIRDAR

Taking the discussion further, Mani Kaul was a filmmaker who tried to oppose each and every structure of filmmaking through his unique methodology. Even the structures which are extremely basic to the filmmaking process were brusquely shattered by him. From the best to the worst of filmmakers of world, everybody consider script to be the backbone of a film. And every effort is made to follow the script in detail. Recently, Indian filmmakers have also started giving too much importance to the script which is something new to Indian cinema. Masters like Raj Kumar Hirani, Vidhu Vinod Chopra, Amir Khan, Vishal Bhardwaj, Anurag Kashyap, and Dibaker Banerjee spend majority of time in writing the script as opposed to the actual filmmaking process. Undoubtedly, this has changed the way our films look nowadays than they used to ten years ago. This has also contributed to the improved standing of Indian cinema internationally as well as in film festivals. Even the film schools in our country have started giving a lot of stress on teaching script writing to the students in their courses. The amount of justice done to the script while making a film actually decides the quality of final product. When Mani Kaul had planned his first full length feature film ‘Uski Roti’ based on Mohan Rakesh’s short story, he wrote a twenty five page draft of the script along with the author. Mohan Rakesh wrote the dialogues mainly, besides working on rest of the script and Kaul had explained what and how the things were to be done. But when Kaul used to reach the location, he always worked according to his own way. The way Rakesh had planned the script used to change completely on the set. Finally when the film was done, there was very little from the script which actually became a part of the creation. According to Parsa Venkateshwar Rao Jr who works with DNA, Mani Kaul did not mean to convey the intent and tone of Mohan Rakesh's story, which was more about the emptiness of rural life. He admitted that earlier he used to believe whatever is there in the script must be incorporated in film also. But in later years his perception and method altered completely. This lead to difficulty in finding sponsors for the films. No sponsor was ready to invest in a film without a script. He always believed in innovating rather following the order of script religiously. Kaul considered it a method of bringing polychromatism (anekta) in a creative product. Recently, Ranbir Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra starrer ‘Barfi’ became an instant worldwide success. The maker of the movie, Anurag Basu explained in an interview that original script of movie was written in about ten pages. Rest of the movie was made through innovation on location. The actors used to arrive on the sets completely oblivious of the scene they were going to shoot and the director used to come and innovate the entire scene along with them. This is how the film finally evolved from a rough draft to a masterpiece. 

Kaul made a virtually plot-less cinema during his career. There was a very little almost non-existent story in his movies. On asking how his technique was different from other filmmakers, Kaul expressed that during the process of editing, his shot used to be very mobile throughout the film. Since there was no big story inside the shot, no concrete context and no special place where the shot must be placed, it could be easily taken anywhere. Due to the inherent mobility and impartiality, one shot could be easily placed in three four different places. Since there was no strict serial number of the scenes as is usually the case in most of the movies, the same shot could be taken to scene no 3 and scene no 9 at the same time. He was accustomed in taking the shot in such a way that rather than being special it could be mobile and at the same time it was not very regular also. The shot taken in some context could be used in some other context while editing. For him shot was primary and the context (sandarbh) was secondary. This juxtaposition of shot with the context is a chance factor or sanyog according to Kaul. This was possible because he worked in a manner which could allow randomness to enter the structure without much hassle. He was a one filmmaker who not only understood Mahabharata but also tried to interpret it through action. His cinema demonstrated the magic and exceptionality of Mahabharata which is not only an epic but also a way of living in itself. The mobile shot in his cinema could be interpreted to be a representation of Krishna who appears in the epic at different times, completely dispossessed from the bondage of time and space. Similarly this time-space concept has been violated many a times in Mahabharata. Sanjay, an advisor and charioteer to Dhritarashtra, blessed with gift of seeing events at a distance granted by sage Vyasa, narrates to Dhritarashtra the action in the climactic battle of Kurukshetra, which includes Bhagavad Gita also.  He is actually violating the concept of time and space here. Mahabharata illustrates that consciousness can be present at more than one place at the same time. Mani Kaul was fortunate to comprehend this reality very early in his life so he made it a part of his creative and personal journey also. 

The second structure which is considered very significant to a film is the character (kirdar). Those actors are usually chosen who can play that particular character and even if they can’t, good actors prepare themselves to suit the role. Some lose their weight, some gain extra, some undergo rigorous training sessions, some go for speech therapies and some even opt for method acting. The aim is to fit into the sleeves of character. Meryl Streep, a renowned American actress is well known for her ability to imitate and master foreign and domestic accents. In The Iron Lady, she reproduced the vocal style of Margaret Thatcher, from the time before she became Britain's Prime Minister, and after she had taken elocution lessons to change her pitch, pronunciation and delivery. Streep believes in the dictum, ‘How could I play that part and talk like me?’ Christian Bale starved himself for over four months and lost almost 60 pounds to play the role of a man suffering from chronic insomnia in a psychological thriller ‘The Machinist’. According to Kaul there is a context (sandarbh) to everything. Whatever we do and whatever we are, is in relation to some context. Otherwise there is no meaning to it. When an actor says, “come here”, then is it the character who is saying this or is it the actor himself? A character is simply a context, nothing more and an actor is just representing that context. He cannot become the character. Secondly while shooting, if the actor is simply portraying the character, then the shot would have greater mobility. But if it’s otherwise, then the scene would have a definite position while editing and couldn’t be placed anywhere else because the scene assumes a different form when the character is strictly enacted. Kaul says that when an actor is performing, he is expressing his nature (swabhav). And it would be great if he stays close to his real nature. Most of the times, an actor struggles to become the character by parting away from his real self. An actor playing the same character at different times if liberated from the actor-character bondage would be able to express it more easily. This would end the concept of typed casting also. He further elucidates that Peter Brooks, an English theatre and film director, while making the stage adaptation of Mahabharata did cast those actors who had no resemblance to the physical personality of characters. He selected a very thin lean man in the role of ‘Bheema’ who actually was very tall and muscular. Kaul says that Bheema is a nature which can be there in anybody. One need not be physically huge to play Bheema. Therefore Kaul always refuted the concept of character because it negates the possibility of polychromatism (anekta). 

Mani Kaul believed that cinema is not a hundred page script, nor it is a medium to say stories or a stage for performing actors. Cinema according to Kaul is a unique interplay of image and sound which actually should create a magic. Cinema is a beautiful canvass on which we try to paint the reality of life. But most of the times, it has been browbeaten as a medium to bear the burden of fiction. More than ninety percent of cinema till date has been fiction and nothing more. Only a small fraction of it has managed to be something beyond. Cinema of Ingmar Bergman, Federico Fellini, Godard, Luis Buñuel, Robert Bresson, Tarkovsky, Kieslowski, Mani Kaul, Kumar Shahani, Béla Tarr was a colossal departure from the fictional enslavement which majority of cinema is subjected to. Their aim was to narrate the story through images and sound. These nonconformist filmmakers endeavored to create a multi-layered, multi-dimensional, polychromatic visual impression, which at times even trespass the confines of time and space. Kaul used human face as a landscape and music as a vehicle to transport the emotions of character. Fiction as my brother, Prof Sunil comments is the worst addiction. Fiction after a certain point of time is a dead weight which most of us carry throughout our lives. It is a ‘mayajal’, which doesn’t liberate us from the illusion of body and mind. Once caught, we are carried deeper and deeper without even realizing the futility of whole trap. The worthlessness of this obsession would be realized only in a moment of darshan. But since the fixation with order and morality is so strong, we are not able to appreciate this truth. We are always stuck up in our individual fights. Similarly, a modern man is always trying to represent somebody else. He is always performing the role of some other person (kirdar). The futility of context is never ever realized. In this process he forgets his real self. He keeps on moving away from himself until a point is reached where his true self gets completely eradicated. The real self gets substituted by some fake mysterious identity. The grooming and conditioning of the society facilitate to reinforce this identity even more. Gradually an ego is created which disguises itself as our true self. In Michael Winterbottom’s latest work ‘Trishna’, the protagonist of the movie Jay (a wealthy young businessman) asks Trishna (a waitress and mistress to Jay), that in Kamasutra sex is permitted with only three women – a single woman, maid and prostitute, then who real Trishna is out of these three. Torn by the question and inability to identify her true self, she brutally murders the man. A woman though plays different roles in her daily life, needs to apprehend that she is a pure, unscathed and all pervasive reality, a conscious being first, then anybody’s wife or mistress. Tattered inside the jungle of spurious egos and identities, a modern woman needs to find herself. An ego is nothing but a veil which masks the true self with glitter and glamor. True self is hidden somewhere beneath the pile of these fake egos and identities. It would be identified only if we try and move a bit from our positions. We need to realize how much damage has been inflicted upon us in this pointless war. The real self is still lying intact in this chaos. We just need to liberate it from ‘kirdar’.

IL GRIDO

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‘After living seven years with the mechanic Aldo, having a daughter with him, the simple woman Irma is informed that her absent husband had just died in Sydney. She becomes upset when Aldo proposes to marry her and she tells him that she is going to leave him. Unable to explain how much he loves her, Aldo takes their daughter Rosina and travels with her, meeting different women in different places, trying to establish a new relationship and fill the emptiness of his sentimental life. He visits his former lover Elvia; he meets and lives with the widow Virginia, who owns a gas station; he lives with the prostitute Andreina. But these relationships never complete the needy Aldo.’

This is the plot of an Italian neo-realistic drama ‘Il Grido’ directed by Michelangelo Antonio in 1957. The movie is a dark and realistic tale of a modern man and a modern woman, who are not modern in conventional sense but are modern since they live in and belong to the modern world. The movie is a sad portrayal of gradual and tragic disruption of man woman relationship in the contemporary society. Man is unable to relate and understand the woman and a woman is unable to complete and satisfy the man. This shatters the so-called bonding between the two and leaves them disgruntled and dissatisfied for their whole lives. French master Jean-luc Godard says in his movie ‘Breathless’ directed in 1960 that the modern life increasingly separates men and women. Antonio demonstrates the same three years earlier than Godard in ‘Il Grido’.

‘Il Grido’ an Italian phrase, which actually means an outcry in English begins with a woman named ‘Irma’ who finds herself wedged in a situation when she is informed that her husband has died in war. Hearing this, Aldo who has plans to marry her since last seven years proposes her for marriage. Irma shatters all his hopes by informing him that she is leaving him for another man. Aldo tries his best to convince her about his feelings but she doesn’t revert back from her decision. Irma is a simple middle class woman of modern world, married to a war soldier for whom she is waiting for the last seven years. In the meanwhile she begins an affair with a man much younger than her to satisfy her physical and emotional needs and she also has a daughter born out of this promiscuous relationship. The time has indeed inflicted grievous wounds on her psychological state. It has kept her physically, sexually and socially deprived for the past so many years.  When Aldo finally proposes her for marriage, she immediately rejects him by saying that she is involved with some another man. Probably she doesn’t want to indulge in another tragic wedlock. And probably she doesn’t want to love again. Irma possesses all the dispositions to be a remarkable wife, a wonderful mother and a dependable partner. But instead she has become an incompetent lover and an impossible wife. Irma is the finest portrayal of a modern woman caught in the moral and ethical code of a monogamous relationship who is unable to function either as a wife or as a lover. Irma is an example of a modern woman who can bore nothing but only pain and solitude out of her emptiness.      
         

After he fails to convince her for marriage, Aldo takes their daughter and travels with her aimlessly. He visits his former lover Elvia and even lives with her for some days. It seems that the things would fall in place but when Irma visits Elvia to return a suitcase for Aldo, Elvia confronts a truth about Aldo’s sudden visit after so many years. When she comes to know that Aldo has returned after being disappointed by Irma, she feels deceived and tells him to go away. Elvia is a beautiful young woman deeply in love with her former lover. She has moved ahead with time but has still not discarded her feelings for him. She is still single after so many years of her break-up with Aldo. She is still waiting for him and is very pleased to see him again. She wants him back but she wants him alone.  Elvia is another fine example of a modern female damaged by the tradition of monogamous relationship. She is a beautiful lover indeed but can only love when the monogamous code is satisfied. She can be a remarkable wife too. But her unsuccessful relationship with a former lover has made her an incapable woman. She cannot love again. And even if she marries somebody she would be unable to gratify her partner. She has imposed lifelong pain and anguish upon herself. She would remain alone and sexually frustrated for her entire life.

Aldo leaves Elvia and meets a widow Virginia who owns a gas station. He is physically drawn to her and gets involved in a purely sexual relationship with Virginia. It results in several wild sexual encounters between the two of them. But when Aldo’s daughter becomes affected with this relationship, things start taking a difficult turn. Virginia finds her an unnecessary intervention in their relationship. As a result, Aldo sends his daughter away to her mother for few days. Disappointed by Virginia’s attitude towards his daughter, Aldo leaves her and goes away. Virginia is an attractive, middle-aged, loud-mouthed, sexually starving independent female. Solitude has taught her a lot but has also made her inept in certain aspects. She is an excellent prostitute but an extremely poor wife and an equally poor lover. Virginia is another example of a modern female who knows the art of love making and seduction but is incapable of sustaining it for long. She is an ethical slut, capable of travelling the journey from attraction to orgasm but is incapable of taking the orgasm from a purely physical echelon to a higher spiritual echelon. Indisputably she has comprehended the worthlessness of the institution of marriage but in the process she has also abandoned all other possibilities which can erupt from a man-woman relationship. Probably she has suffered a lot from her previous loss which has caused an irreparable damage to her persona. She cannot be a wife to a man. She can only be a filthy prostitute. And this would keep her discontented and despicable forever.

Aldo leaves Virginia too and meets a prostitute Andreina in an informal gathering with some friends. Andreina becomes sick with high fever. Aldo offers her care and affection in her illness. But she feels absurd and rejects his offerings. They meet again and Aldo narrates her some incident from his former relationship with Irma. Andreina is unable to understand his logic and gets irritated in return. They start living together but when Aldo is unable to fulfill her basic needs of food and shelter, she goes back and leaves him forever. Andreina is a young, charming and seductive prostitute. She possesses the skill to fascinate and allure any man she desires. But she is incapable of loving anybody and is also incapable of accepting the love if offered too. She just needs a physical partner who could fulfill her basic requirements of life. She doesn’t need a lover and she doesn’t want a husband too. Probably her profession has exhausted all the virtues out of her and made her a completely superficial person. She has reduced herself to an entirely physical being. She doesn’t believe in the worth and significance of anything beyond the basic. Probably she doesn’t understand or she doesn’t want to understand it only. She would remain happy if her requirements are fulfilled otherwise she has only hatred and disgust to offer anybody. This brief encounter also brings out the failure of Aldo as a man to satisfy the social and economic needs of a woman.

Il Grido portrays four different women in the life of a modern man; Irma, an excellent woman who has abandoned all the hopes from a man woman relationship; Elvia, an excellent lover who can only love if terms and conditions of monogamy are fulfilled; Virginia, an irresponsible woman who can only function if she dominates in a relationship with another man; Andreina, a lusty prostitute who has nothing more to offer anybody besides her body. Il Grido reminds me of ‘Bhumika’, an Indian movie directed by the legendary ‘Shyam Benegal’ about a Marathi actress trapped in a similar situation, with the main lead played by a female legend Smita Patil. ‘Bhumika’ presented an Indian woman discovering her place and sexuality in a male dominated society, meeting different men in different situations and places, ultimately opting to stay alone for her entire life. The modern times have made them incomplete and incapable in some form or the other. Aldo remains dissatisfied till the end. But Aldo is not alone in his unique quest of life.

Il Grido is an outcry of a modern man who wanders aimlessly searching for his soul mate. Il Grido is also an outcry of a modern woman who feels incapable of providing an end to his quest. The modern times have greatly separated man and woman. The modern times have translated the man-woman relationship into a moral code of monogamy. Both of them need to realize the need and re-codify the entire structure in collaboration. Man needs to understand a woman and woman needs to re-discover her beauty to relate to a man. Only then we could hope to bring an end to this outcry.

La Notte

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After directing a tragic movie ‘Il Grido’ in 1957 based on sad demise of man woman relationship in the contemporary society, legendary Italian director ‘Michelangelo Antonio’ went onto comment further on similar scenario in his another remarkable movie ‘La Notte’ directed in 1961 with main leads played by Marcello Mastroianni (remember Fellini’s ‘8 ½’, ‘La Dolce Vita’), Jeanne Moreau, Monica Vitti and Bernhard Wicki. The movie raises numerous questions on the limits and do’s and don’ts in a man woman relationship while dealing with the concept delicately opening everything layer by layer.

‘La Notte’ begins with Giovanni Pontano who is a famous writer in Milan and his wife Lydia visiting their terminally ill old friend Tommaso Garani in a hospital. The short visit gives an indication about the obvious age old inclination of Tommaso Garani for Giovanni’s wife Lydia. In the hospital the couple also encounters a strange but very beautiful and young, female patient admitted next to Tommaso’s room. The young female drags Giovanni into her room and indulges him in a violent sexual intercourse just when the nurses enter and beat her up. Dazzled by the girl’s strange reaction, Giovanni narrates the entire incident to Lydia including how he felt helpless reacting in that situation. Thereafter, Giovanni goes to a party for the release of his latest book and his wife visits the place where she lived many years ago. Lydia calls Giovanni from the place and tells him to pick her up. The incident depicts the mutual understanding and beauty of their relationship even after so many years of their being together. In the night, they go to a night-club, and later to a party in the mansion of the tycoon Mr. Gherardini. Along the night, Giovanni flirts with Valentina Gherardini, the daughter of the host, and then he receives a proposal to work for him in the area of communication and write the history of his company. Lydia observes her husband getting fascinated towards the lonely gal in the party and also kissing her subsequently. This disturbs Lydia and she goes onto flirting with a playboy Roberto who seems interested in her from the beginning. Roberto begins advancing towards her but she resists him eventually. In the meanwhile, Valentina recites her poetry to Giovanni and also confesses about her loneliness. Both of them are further drawn to each other as intellectual companions. Lydia returns to the party and indulges in a heart to heart conversation with Valentina when Giovanni arrives and both of them decide to return home.

Giovanni unable to conceal his feelings for Valentina even in front of Lydia, bids her goodbye. After what happened at the party, Giovanni tells Lydia about the offer he received from Valentina’s father. Lydia also discloses Giovanni about Tommaso’s intentions for her since the very beginning and how he used to make her feel precious. She also admits about her die hard feelings for Giovanni since the day she knew him also including how they have changed since what happened at the party. Giovanni apologizes her and begins kissing and making love to her in atonement. The movie ends with both of them making love on the ground as if nothing else is left between them.

The movie attempts to explore several questions about man woman relationship. Is it immoral to love somebody? And is it immoral to love somebody knowing that you are married or belong to somebody else? If it is immoral to love so is it moral to resist love when it comes to you itself? Is it feasible to justify love and attraction? Is it possible to love two people at one time? Is it possible to be attracted towards somebody knowing that your attraction is going to create ripples in your own personal life? Are we there to form new relationships or are we there to confine them? What happens when bonding occurs naturally? How far do man and woman have the right to indulge in each other’s life? How far are they responsible for each other? Who should decide the limits? And what should be done if the limits are crossed? What should be the punishment? And who should decide it? The director leaves it to the viewer to interpret the movie and answer these questions.

The greatest harm done to human civilization has been structuring love and building an empire of other worthless structures around it. Love should not be structured and if structured it doesn’t remain love. It begins to rot and emanate odors when you try and confine it accordingly. Love is not an entity. It is a beautiful immense canvass on which one can paint anything and anybody he likes. Love can never be immoral. It is always beautiful no matter who loves and whom he loves. You cannot time it. And you cannot decide it too. One cannot force it though one may try to demolish it. Love is always just since it originates from somewhere which is beyond the approach of human understanding. So one cannot justify it, though one may try to mar it using certain words.

Another greatest harm done has been deciding man woman relationship on the basis of morality and limiting it by the institution of marriage. The modern civilizations have reduced the naturally polygamous (or –androus) humans into a monogamous institution further locking it with a code of morality. If somebody tries break the code he is labeled as immoral. Things have been simplified to the limit. Man has been made the puppet of moral schools of the society. Boundaries have been pre-determined. And human bondings have already been pre-decided and pre-labelled using very few words. Any possibility of emergence of a new form of relationship has been theoretically and practically eliminated by the decision makers.

The movie depicts how a relationship having deeper intellectual and spiritual overtones undergoes a radical diminution to a purely physical level when the monogamous code is unknowingly deceived by the people involved. The movie demonstrates how easier it has become to pull apart the threads of human relationships. This is the consequence of simplifying the intricate matters based upon very subtle and elusive human understanding and mutual attraction merely to the level of concrete and suitable justification. This is the result of civilizing everything along the way without foreseeing the violent consequences ahead.

La Notte is a landmark creation in the history of Italian as well as world cinema and is neo-realism at its best. The culmination of the movie in a physical intercourse between the two protagonists reminds me of similar ending in a Bengali movie ‘Charulata’ based upon the marital complacency in the life of a lonely housewife, another masterpiece of world cinema directed by Satyajit Ray, both suggesting that the things cannot be mended from now on. ‘La Notte’ along with ‘Il Grido’ and ‘Il Deserto Rosso’, all directed by Michelangelo Antonio, would remain notable in the history of cinema to comment upon very significant theme of man woman relationship in the contemporary society.

Indian Woman And Her Lost Appetite...Part III

A page from the dairy of a woman...

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Warning: Dr. Meenakshi is 35 years old, famous Dermatologist of Mumbai running a successful private set up since last six years, married to a general surgeon and comfortably settled in the city. This is an extract of her daily diary. But she is work of fiction. So are other characters mentioned in this extract. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co-incidental and unintentional.

01 march, 2011

0300hrs

Hmm…I knew he was going to come. It was all in mind, etched and clear like a beautiful dream. I just couldn’t resist the thought of him. He came and settled there. From nowhere. I woke up early. Took a long bath. Washed my hair. Dried them. Wore the costliest perfume I had in my cupboard. Dressed up in blue. Just to match his blue jeans. He seems to be very fond of this…color…kind of stuck to it. Haven’t seen him wearing anything else… but… blue. Felt elated when I saw his name in the appointment book. Got settled for a while. Just to make sure. Took a deep breath. It was too difficult. I was like losing myself. I grabbed my neck. Eased a bit and rang the bell. And he was there the next moment. In blue jeans and white shirt. Tall, fresh with pimples on his face. Hmm…seemed to have increased in number compared to his last visit. It’s too difficult to get hold of these hormones. Prescribed some new medicines and lotions. Gave him next month’s appointment. And bid him goodbye. He was gone. Felt as if he is never going to come again. Thought of calling him, shouting his name. But it was just not possible. How could I? Being a doctor, a married woman and a mother of two daughters. He was just a patient who tickled me and made me believe that I was there. Very much there. Kicking and alive. Anyways I finished the OPD and had lunch with Karishma. She hasn’t changed a bit. We did our dermatology post-graduation together from Manipal. We were meeting after 2 long years. Meanwhile, she got married and got divorced after six months of her wedding. Aborted a child with her previous husband. And madam is in a relationship again. With her husband’s childhood friend. I just can’t believe her sometimes. She is so unpredictable. You would have seen the glow on her face. Felt as if she were pregnant. Anyhow we planned to meet again coming Saturday. Returned late at 7. Had to do some shopping for the evening. After all, it was our 10^th anniversary. A decade long relationship…hhh. Had some wine. Bloody marry. A nice dinner in taj. Deserts. Rajesh gifted me a diamond necklace today. And I presented him an I-pad. He is too fond of all this stuff. And then we were back. Hmm…I know what are you waiting for so long? Yes we made it. After all it was a special day for both of us. We got to enjoy. We got to relive that moment when it was all very beautiful and nice. Rajesh played Beatles on his new I-pad. And we got lost in the heat of the moment.

Something happened tonight which was strange. Too strange. We were making love. My eyes were closed in anticipation of an orgasm. And he was there again. Opening the door, walking towards me and making him comfortable on the stool. He wished me morning; I adjusted his face in the light and touched his spots. I felt uneasy and opened my eyes. And saw Rajesh reaching the climax. I felt as if I was cheating on him. My throat swelled and felt as if I couldn’t breathe. But it was not the first time. Very often I see my father lifting me and ruffling my hair. What’s he doing there at this time? I got to be crazy. Sometimes it’s Anand with his geeky spectacles. I do get his odor sometimes suddenly as if he just passed while we were making love to each other. Sometimes it’s my old friend Amit hugging and kissing me. Sometimes it’s my physics professor slapping and abusing me. Sometimes I see an entire orgy pushing inside me. I see lot many of them. But I don’t see Rajesh very often. He is always there. All over me, inside me. But not in my mind. Sometimes I don’t even recognize the faces I see. I feel strange. After all, I will be forty in next five years. And my daughters will join their high schools. This is something which I am never able to figure out. Is it right for me? Do I need to talk to somebody about this? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? I can hardly figure it out on my own. I want to hammer down my head to see what all filth is cluttered inside.

It’s not possible to sleep tonight without the pills. I'll go mad thinking about all this. I need to take them. I need to get a good sleep. This is what is required at the moment.May be one day I find an answer to my sexual fantasies and urges...

Indian Woman And Her Lost Appetite - Part II

Note: Nayani is a fictional character. So are Madhav and Bhiku. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co-incidental and unintentional.

The hair drier

Nayani is a beautiful Marathi girl. She lives in Fatima Nagar, Pune with her husband Madhav Rao Lokhande and a three old son, bhiku. Her house is a 2 BHK flat in one of the newly constructed apartments of Fatima Nagar. Her husband, Madhav, a celebrated and horrific figure in the police department of the city, is a senior inspector known for his bad tongue and numerous infamous, cold blooded encounters. While Nayani was still pursuing her graduation college, she was married to Madhav Rao forcibly against her wishes by her ill-reputed, alcoholic father. She was just 19 when she got married to Madhav who was 35 then. Compared to her husband, who is a six feet tall, well built, muscular man with thick skin, Nayani is too short and lean and appears to be his child. Her wedding was basically a contractually settled political dispute. Since the fateful day, Nayani has served him day and night being his maid and whore at the same time.

Nayani works the whole day looking after the house hold and doing purchasing for the kitchen. Madhav leaves early and returns late at night in a dilapidated state. She serves him dinner and settles the kitchen. Almost every day she is being dragged and thrown on the bed for a violent sexual intercourse. As soon as the process is over, Madhav goes into a peaceful sleep devoid of any dreams and phases. Madhav is not only older and stronger than Nayani but he also has a bigger phallus compared to her almost pubertal vagina. She goes into a flight of pain every time he thrusts inside her. The act always leaves her groaning and bleeding in pain.

Her life has been a bagful of incompatibilities ever since the day of marriage. The whole thing has taken a heavy toll on her beauty and innocence. She has gradually started turning into a world of her own. Over a period, she has become more introvert and lonely. But despite all this, the fire still burns inside.

That morning while seeing him off, Nayani managed to slip away a cigarette from his wallet. After dropping bhiku to school, she returned home and prepared her breakfast. She, then, took a long shower and washed her hair. She switched on the electric drier and took out a beautiful red sari from her closet. Thereafter she got dressed and called her mother. After a long time she talked to her mother for almost an hour. Her mother was not doing well since the day of her marriage. She was an old case of pulmonary tuberculosis and had lost almost 20 kgs of weight crying for her child and looking after her sick husband. Anyhow, Madhav tried to help them financially as best as he could. But her mother burnt each and every penny given by him in the fireplace. Madhav, as a consequence, strictly prohibited Nayani’s visit to her family and even made sure spying her every move out of the house. She also called her elder sister who lives in lonavala with her husband and three children. During early years, both the sisters used to be good bharatnatyam dancers and they even managed to bag some prizes by performing in annual functions of their society. Both were great fans of Vajayanthi Mala and they used to dance madly whenever her songs used to come on Doordarshan. It has been four years since they last met and that was the last time they danced together. She discussed some of the basic moves with her sister on the telephone. Her sister still manages to perform as and when the opportunity comes. But Nayani has not even dared dancing since years.

The phone call greatly inspired her. She locked herself inside the bedroom. She opened bhiku’s almirah and took out his rattle from the drawer. She hammered the rattle and took out the beads from inside. Then she tore her beautiful silk dupatta and cut two threads out of it. She weaved the beads into the silk threads and tied each one of them around her ankles. She began practicing some of the basic moves. She then danced and danced in front of the mirror for hours together. She got all drenched in sweat and fell on the bed exhausted and elated. She then took out the cigarette from under the pillow which she had slipped away from Madhav’s wallet and placed it between her lips. She smiled and began laughing at her daredevilry. She closed her eyes and smelled the cigarette. She couldn’t resist lighting it. She went to the kitchen to fetch a light and returned to her room. She took a long puff and exhaled the smoke. She didn’t cough. She smoked it just the way Madhav used to, snubbing it tightly between thumb and index finger, almost crushing the butt, taking a deep puff and exhaling it sideways. Her entire life in the past four years began dancing in the smoke. She felt as if she is puffing out the toxicity packed inside her chest for these many years. A tear film smeared her lower eyelid. She didn’t let it get out and dried it in the smoke of cigarette. She got charged with anger. She removed whatever she was wearing and threw her naked body on the bed. She inserted her fingers inside her cavity and began pushing them hard, just the way Madhav used to with his long penis. She screamed and pushed harder till it started bleeding. Then she inserted her entire hand inside the vagina and gave it a good blow. Tears started rolling down her cheeks but she continued torturing herself. Then she removed her hand out and smeared the blood on the white flowered bed sheet.

Madhav returned home late at night in usual pathetic state. It was a tough day. He was insulted badly by the commissioner of police for his negligent approach to work and bad tongue. He even got a written counseling for his behavior. Nayani was going to have a tough time. But she always prepares herself before Madhav is about to return from duty. He was surprised to find the front door open. He got inside and shouted in anger. He stepped inside the bedroom and saw the blood smeared bed sheet. He got furious and shouted for Nayani again. But she was nowhere to be heard and seen. Then he opened the bathroom door and fell flat on the ground.

Nayani was lying silently in the bathtub with Bhiku on her naked chest. The tub was full of water. Nayani was holding the rod of the hair drier tightly in her right hand. She had electrocuted Bhiku and herself with the hair drier.

Nayani was dead. So was Bhiku.

Indian Woman And Her Lost Appetite - Part I

Warning: Sapna is a fictional character. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co-incidental and unintentional.

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The black sari

Sapna is a middle class Punjabi girl married to a bank employee. She lives with her husband, son and mother-in-law in a suburb of Ludhiana city. Though pretty well educated as compared to other women of her age and place, her marriage was an arranged affair organized by her parents. As a girl she always wanted to marry a very rich and handsome person, preferably an NRI. But fate had something else in store for her. Anyways, married for five years, her marriage has been a very smooth affair without any significant hassles and issues. Her husband, Madan, works in a central bank and is earning a decent salary. Her mother-in-law, though quiet old, is overall in-charge of the house. Madan still prefers to hand over the entire salary to his mother and let her manage the house. Sapna like a normal Indian female has never complained and has been obedient throughout her stay in her husband’s house. She hardly gets time for all such issues concerning dominance. She is engaged all the day managing the household stuff and her family. Her son, Rahul, a small brat, keeps her busy and brings a smile to her face with his little pranks.

Sapna always wanted to continue her studies after the marriage and do a job. But her responsibilities as a wife, as a daughter-in-law and as a mother couldn’t let her pursue her career. She sacrificed without ever complaining and blaming anybody. She hardly gave it a thought after her son was born.

Like any other woman, Sapna is very fond of clothes. She has managed to afford a decent wardrobe for herself since the day of her marriage. She has a thing for colors. She always manages to make a style statement at the family functions. But the credit goes more to her beauty than to her clothes and style. She has always doted black since she was a school kid. Black tiffin, black sketch, black shoes, black skirt, black dupatta. When she grew older she wanted to marry somebody with black eyes and a big black contessa. She simply adored black. But she hardly got a chance to manage all this black stuff in her mama’s home. How could she? Black is inauspicious, depressing and sad. Her mother never allowed her to wear anything black. She once wore a black skirt gifted by her aunt. She was just nine years old, small enough to hardly understand any consequence. Her father lost his wallet the same day while returning from office. It contained the month’s salary. She was scolded badly for wearing that color. Not only that the skirt was burnt down and the remains were flushed in the drain. She watched her favorite color getting burnt down in ashes. Since the day she never dared to ask for black.

She grew older and her marriage got fixed. Somehow she managed to buy a beautiful black chiffon sari while the clothes and jewellery were being purchased for her wedding. She slipped it into a hidden compartment of her wedding suitcase and brought it into her husband’s home. She is a free bird now. She has her own house and own life. Nobody can stop her now from wearing her color. She opened her suitcase on the second day of her marriage and took out the crumpled sari from the hidden compartment. She got it ironed and wore it to her skin. She looked in the mirror and smiled. Her eyes sparkled. She came out of her room. All the relatives and friends were waiting to bless the new member of the house. How could she dare to wear such a color on the second day of her marriage? Her mother-in-law got furious and rebuked her for bringing bad luck to the family. She ordered her to change it immediately and wear something flashy and colorful. She rushed inside her room and cried. Since the day she never dared to wear the black sari in her husband’s home again. Her dream was sealed in closet forever.

Sometimes after completing the routine stuff, when her mother-in-law is asleep during the afternoon hours and nobody else is there at home, she goes to her room, locks it from inside and draws all the curtains. She drags the big suitcase from under the bed and takes out the crumpled black chiffon sari from the hidden compartment. She touches it to her skin and looks in the mirror. She irons it carefully so as to remove all the wrinkles and wears it quietly inside the closed door. She looks in the mirror again and adores herself as she has never done it before. She smiles and feels like dancing. She unlocks her hair and lies on the bed relieved and contended. She closes her eyes and begins to dream what she couldn’t dream otherwise sleeping with her husband on the same bed every night for so many years. She lies there for hours together in the warmth of that color. But then Rahul usually arrives from school and begins knocking the door. She gets up in surprise, changes, hides the black sari in the suitcase and is back to her work again.

She commits this crime whenever she gets enough time to do it. Somehow she manages to be a free bird wearing that black sari. She manages to dream and think for a change what she could never do otherwise. She manages to be promiscuous with that black chiffon sari wrapped around her skin while being committed and faithful to her wedlock.

This is the only time she feels like breathing.

And this is the only time she lives for herself…